The lesson I wasn't expecting: Mental Health First, Skin Second
Like a third of the UK female population (a third!) I, am menopausal. And not ashamed to admit it, clearly - I’ve spoken about it in British Vogue, I talk about it regularly with my team and clients and, since I’m being perfectly honest, I am dealing with the fallout of it on a daily basis.
The thing I am really struggling to get to grips with is this annoying realisation that you can’t treat your way out of how you feel anymore. And maybe for me, doing what I do, that’s been the biggest part to get my head around. We’ll get to that, I’m just wondering first if the bits that are taking me down are a common thread for everyone, or if my personality is making me more prone to some of these more irritating issues.
For example, one of the most difficult changes has been my focus.
I’ve always had a busy brain, and I believe it’s been one of the biggest drivers for my business being where it is today. So as useful as it has been, sometimes having a million tabs open, and jumping about between them like a kid on a spacehopper can be exhausting. And menopause has amplified it in a way that’s hard to explain, unless you’re in it.
Also, I hate how everything feels ever so slightly out of reach. You know when you sit down to do something, and immediately forget what it was? Or you try to have a call with your team but you tune into the noise of someone typing and then you can’t physically hear anything else. Is that a thing? Or am I just totally losing it?
And then comes the frustration, with a vengeance. The impatience, the irritability and with all of that, the sense that you’re not really yourself. I’d say ‘I hate myself’ in my head more than once a day because I’ve felt like I generally upset someone - and typically those closest to me.
So that’s one half of the shift - the other half is the fact that I used to know exactly how to reset myself, and it was based in retreat. I would re-treat myself! Either literally, in my clinic, with some serious me-time. It’s a true perk of the job; an indulgent treatment that would boost my skin and my soul at the same time. Or else I would literally retreat. Go somewhere new, take myself out of my routine. Go for a walk, which would turn into a think, which in turn, more often than not, ended in a creative brainwave.
I could almost guarantee that feeling of clarity and calm would come. But now? Argh I can’t plan it anymore.
Those moments still happen, these words wouldn’t have made it to this page if they didn’t, but they’re much more sporadic and unpredictable.
And in my most recent rare and sporadic moment of clarity I realised why this matters more than skin! Because this is where I see so many women - understandably - trying to fix the wrong thing.
When we’re at the mercy of an insanely chaotic hormone shift, we try to do what we’ve always done to feel better. Our hair, our skincare, the treatments, going to the gym etc.
And don’t get me wrong, I believe in all of those things, but they’re not going to land in the same way if everything underneath feels off. They’re not a fix anymore, not until you’ve fixed the foundations.
I’ve had to completely reframe how I think about my own self-care. It’s no longer: “I’ll do something to make myself feel better.” Nope, now it’s:
“I need to feel better first, and then everything else will work again.”
For me that means 1, being honest about how I actually feel. 2, not putting everything off until tomorrow, and 3, (the biggest one), accepting that this phase isn’t something you just push through or ignore.
I mean, I’ve been guilty of doing exactly that for as long as I can remember, and it’s what so many women do, too. We just carry on. Looking after everything and everyone else first, right?
Where skin comes into it (‘cos with me it has to doesn’t it?!)
Even for me - and I do this for a living - my skin has sometimes fallen into the “I’ll sort it tomorrow” category. I think it’s because when your mind is full, and your energy is low, even the things you know work can feel like too much. And that’s important to say, because there’s an assumption that I - or anyone in this industry - must always have everything perfectly in place. We don’t!
Right now I’ve got to keep my focus simple and sort the foundations. Nothing is gonna work until I get my head straight, so I’m working on that. Mental health first, skin second.
And alongside that ( not instead of it ) I’ll continue to look after my face, my body, my routine, but it’s got to be in the right order.
And look, I’m not saying beauty and wellness don’t help. They absolutely do. In fact, I think they matter more than ever during this phase, just maybe in a different way than they used to. I’ve realised the things that help me now are not about transformation or chasing some old version of myself, it’s just about regulation, and putting my nervous system first, so the things I’m trying to do better are actually quite simple:
Stuff like walking! More sleep. Less pressure. Saying no more often. Eating properly. Getting my hormones checked instead of always “meaning to” get them checked. Booking a massage, and yes, having a facial! But not because I think it’s going to magically fix my face (I’m about to be 50, I’m bound to look older), more because it’s a moment of calm that I really bloody need.
And clinically, I’ve do know that skin responds best to support, not aggression. During perimenopause and menopause, your skin becomes thinner, drier, more reactive and slower to recover, so this usually isn’t the moment for overdoing it with harsh actives or overly inflammatory treatments.
What tends to work better is consistency, so that’s microneedling to support collagen and skin function over time. Regular LED to calm inflammation and support healing. Barrier-focused skincare and hydration, and Treatments that strengthen skin rather than “attack” it. ReTreat-ments! Maybe I’ll rename some stuff in the clinic ;-)
I also think we underestimate how powerful tiny rituals are when you feel disconnected from yourself. A proper cleanse at the end of the day, or ten quiet minutes with an LED mask, or even just a walk without your phone in your hand. These things sound really small, but you know what, they can be the first steps back to yourself again.
What I’m trying to say is I don’t think the goal of this stage of life is to become a “better” version of yourself, you first need to focus on feeling like yourself again or like the new version of yourself that you’ve become.
If you’re in this stage, perimenopause, menopause, even just starting to feel “not quite right” this is what I want to say:
Be nice to yourself.
Don’t rely on surface-level tweaks to be the fix-all of something deeper. Once you start to feel better, everything else, including your skin and self care starts to fall back into place.
And most importantly:
All of this is so very boringly normal!
Let me know what you think.
